I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
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ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.