You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
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I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
one of
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.