Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
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[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
@funTweeters
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Sell your car
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
everyone has that one prude friend