Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
absolutely not
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.