HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
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Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.