[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
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Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*