The Wolf of Wall Street.
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HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Actually cracking up @ this
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.