It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
You Might Also Like
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.