One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[eats all your cotton candy]
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
emergency phone
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.