My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?