My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
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Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Sticker placement is key.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
nyc:
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew