Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*