A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks