The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
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dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”