[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.