I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
getting old is fun
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
OH. COME. ON.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…