At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
You Might Also Like
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
who wants to go expliring
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.