Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Monica just destroyed the internet
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.