At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?