Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
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I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Finally! 😈
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
*sewing*
A thread
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner