MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.