Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.