Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
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*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING