Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
*exercises sarcastically*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Squirrels before girls.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?