My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Breaking news:
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?