What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.