I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
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*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”