I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
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I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I hope your spoon slides into your soup