My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked