I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
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Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Good advice.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Unimpressed
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit