If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
You better watch out
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
79.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I think I’m having a stroke
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on