Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.