#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
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me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us