I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.