Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
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our love story in four pictures
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}