I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.