There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.