I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
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Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show