*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”