I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
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milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
OMG 🤣🤣
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Sometimes? I’m slipping