My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
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Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Florida man
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese