I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
#CatsOnTwitter
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Me in tagged photos
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*