trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”