Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.