It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle