Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.