Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
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Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]