Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
United Steaks of America
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Lucky old June.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.