*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
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Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
no refunds
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
#winning
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.