My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Just ordered me some pizza!
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.